Bad ass day…
I wish it was true…
I didn’t have a “bad ass”… day.
Nope, it was a bad… “ass day”.
I dunno why, but I stunk today. It was really nasty. Anytime I dropped an air biscuit I had to move and move fast! (I think I must’ve crop-dusted most of the hallways on the job…)
Maybe it’s another “getting older” thing, but I’m totally mystifiied. My breakfast was a bowl of Fruity Pepples. I had my usual coffee on the way to work. Half of a Fierce Grape Gotorade at break time (with some Diet Pepsi) and shortly thereafter I felt a gurgle. Usual occurance. I pushed, pooted, and almost retched! Christ almighty! It was like someone took shit and stuffed my nostrils with it! I ran like a pussy, cuz it stinked!
A little while later… gurgle. Ha ha ha, I told my butthole, fool me once… I held it back. I think that pissed off my digestive tract something awful, cuz for the next hour I was clenching my buttcheeks so hard that if you put a piece of coal up there I could’ve given you a (crap covered) diamond a minute later. My body wanted to push mud in the worst way, but I refused to give in. Here’s why:
Being in construction, I’ve seen some really nasty “porto-potties”. Sometimes to the point of overflowing. (How anyone could poop when the yucky stuff was as high as the seat is beyond me… I’d think you’d have to take a hover dump?) So, over the years and out of principle, I (try to) make brown only at home. (Mrs. Porno calls it my “2 beer poo” cuz I grab a couple of cold ones when I go in to dump and listen to Howard Stern (over loud PC), listen to music, or read.)
Well, after that excruciating feeling from me tum-tum today, I almost gave in and blasted out on the job. But… NO! I’m the boss of my body, goddammit, and it’ll be a cold day in hell when I let my lower intestine dictate my day! So I suffered for about an hour or so and (praise Jebus) the feeling subsided.
I made a truce with my dookie at that point. I agreed to not hold back any gas and my sphincter agreed to not have me be so pressurized I would be afraid to sneeze. (Mental image of signing peace treaty and shaking of stinky hands.)
My butt is sneaky, cuz it knew how uncomfortable it made me so, after lunch (Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Beefaroni) it tested the waters… Gurgle… Dammit! So… (poot)… Augh! RUN! That the end of it… so I had thought…
I posted a pic in my iPhone Pics folder today of me crammed under a (two and a half feet high) table installing outlets. It was a while after the post lunch fart and I thought I had beaten by backside, so I was hunkered down wiring stuff when… gurgle… No fucking way… Gurgle… I had nowhere to go… GURGLE… Oh god! I had no choice… Phhhht! (That’s how you spell a hot bun burp.) Hmmm… not too bad… wait… WTF?!?! AHHHH! Help me! (I admit I cried a little…)
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, but by then it was too late. I was saturated with ass funk. (I could feel my turd chopper giggling… fucker.)
As a guy (for you ladies out there) there are days when you can toot and laugh. Then’s there’s days where the slightest little gas leak, you know you’ll smell like the Jersey shore all day long. Today was the worse case scenario of the latter. I went to pee an hour later and was like, “What the hell stinks?” Oh yeah, me…
The rest of my day was (go ahead and roll your eyes) shitty! I couldn’t go anywhere without that damn Pepe Le’Pew stink following me. The worst part is that I knew I had to crawl back under that damn table and work while I simmered in my own juices…
At least I do my own laundry. My underwear looked like a used coffee filter.
Yeah, I know this whole blog was (to put it mildly) gross. In the end though, I WON! (I think…) I made it home, grabbed my two beers and… Hardly anyhing at all! Oh no… Methinks that something foul is afoot. My behind isn’t done with me yet. Well if it’s a fight my ass is looking for, then it grew on the wrong body! Bring it bitch!
Checking for maggots…
Marc(o)
