Welcome to the idiocy that is me…
From what I’ve read it appears that my stupidity is amusing. I ain’t got no problem with that, so here comes another story…
I’m a smoker. Been one for 28 years. At this stage in my life I will die a smoker, cuz quitting is not an option for me. (I’ll be smoking through the blow hole in my neck if I have to…) I did quit for six years. Went from weighing 165 to 235. I had bigger tits than the wife (less hair on the nipples though… yuk yuk yuk). But I digress…
Our retarded/idiotic/fucked up government hit our kind with rediculously high taxes. $5.50 for a pack of Newports? Crack is cheaper. So I started rolling my own. (For those of you who don’t know, they make hollow tubes with filters on them. Take a machine, tobacco, and some free time… Voila! Cigarettes!) The nice thing is the the tobacco I use (Zig Zag menthol) is much better than Newport. Tastes better and burns longer. My usual routine at home is smoke half a butt, flick off the head and smoke the other half later. Works for me!
I, am also a drinker. Been one for 27 years. I can kill three 30 packs of Coors Light a week like nothin’. (I’m a drunk, NOT an alcoholic! Alcoholics go to meetings…) So my evenings are… fun (for me, not Mrs. Porno, but Allah bless her, the bitching has subsided for now… I married a gem in this regard.).
Saturday morning. Eyes slowly open and look left. SHIT! It’s 5 a.m. and I have to piss like a racehorse. Brain says, “Nicotine fix too!” On the way to my deck to pee I get a tissue and blow my nose. (I know… It’s stupid. I’m in the bathroom but I’m going to pee off of my deck. I can’t smoke in the house so… It’s multitasking dammit!) I give my nose a good honk and get a lovely deposit… with extras! I feel the telltale tickle and… wait for it… yup, I’ve got a bloody nose! Apparently drinking dehydrates you and forcing them thar crusty nose goblins out caused some tearing. Stuffing a piece of TP up my shnoz I proceed to the kitchen.
Ahhh, there’s my half butt calling me like a siren at sea. Grinning like a junky getting his fix I grab aforementioned butt and lighter and stumble outside. As I light my precious cancer stick my newly freed pecker slowly creeps though the railing and… wait… ahhh! The most wonderful sensation passes over me! A huge piss leaving my body… My sweet nicotine kicking in… The glow of a beautiful sunrise… So serene… so calm… It was shortly thereafter I realized that sunrise wasn’t for another half and hour. The fucking glow was from the toilet paper stuffed up my nose that I lit on fire when I lit my ciggy! Scrambling and sputtering I manage to rip that thing out and throw it across my yard! (Nothing like seeing a bloody Haley’s comet flying through the air, let me tell ya!)
All I can smell now is burnt face hair, my cigarette has disappeared, and with my crazy fire dance I’ve managed to piss on a good section of my deck.
Welcome to world that is me.
At least I made Mrs. Porno’s day. She still laughs at the memory, as do I…
Marc(o)
