Cock rings are dangerous!
Here’s a helpful lesson from your Uncle Porno…
Sitting at my window to the web, shopping for the holidays, I had an inspiration! Why not surprise Mrs. Porno with a sex toy? (She’s never shown any interest in them before, so let me force one on her!)
Adameve.com, here I come! After browsing for a while my eyes came to rest on a “vibrating cocktail ring”. (Hmmm, I’m listening, go on…) It said it was adjustable, soft, and wonderful. Why not? Click click clickety click and… Order!
Hooray! It came (very discretely) to my house yesterday and by some chance of nature Mrs. Porno was grocery shopping with eldest, and youngest was at a sleep-over, so what better time to test ride this puppy! I opened the pakaging and got this:
Holy shit! What the fuck IS this thing? It looked like a face hugger from Alien! Well, it’s too late to turn back now. I looked at it. Stretched it. I had no idea of how to turn it on. (Hence the dry run before I presented this to Mrs. Porno. My sex is bumbling enough. I was gonna be a pro with this!) I rolled back the round nubby pad and a piece of plastic popped out. After some tinkering I had it set so when the plastic went into the rubber part it was buzz city!
Now for a test drive. I dropped my drawers and started to smack my dick like it owed me money. (Fast way to get a chub on.) When my stiffy was ready I slipped the ring on. Of course it was sized for Ron Jeremy, but apparently I had to pull the stretchy “tail” and work the rings through to tighten it.
I pulled. Nothing. I pulled harder. Nada. I was quite stretchy so I gave a yank like I was starting a mower. All of a sudden that fucker sinched right down to the last one, taking a hand full of my pubes with it! (I think my neighbor heard the scream…) Now this evil thing is impossibly constricted on my dick, slowly asphyxiating it! With tears of pain rolling down my face (YOU pull out a hand full of black grass and see how tough YOU are…) I was frantically picking and prying at it trying to restore the flow of blood to my quickly purpling penis.
An act of God occured! (Praise Allah!) I was able to get the vicious thing off of me and it shot across the room buzzing and bouncing on the floor. (I swear I could hear it laughing…)
That’s it. I made the buzzer stop and proceeded to pick the pubes (complete with follicles) out of it and put it back in the packaging with shaking hands. It’s definitly a rewrap for X-Mas. Maybe our mail carrier for a tip…
I hope she likes it…
So be warned, fellow men! Anytime you try to augment your junk… BE CAREFUL!
Absently rubbing at my sore shaft…
Marc(o)
